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Surgeons Discover Fatal Risks From Mask Wearing (Satire)

— Medical professionals credit social media for highlighting dangers of CO2 self-poisoning

Last Updated July 31, 2020
MedpageToday
A smart phone displaying the Facebook app with a posting about carbon dioxide poisoning and facemasks

Disclaimer: This post is adapted from , a satirical site about healthcare.

The American College of Surgeons announced Wednesday that masks have killed thousands of its members.

"We're losing 400 surgeons every day. They're just dropping like flies due to wearing masks in the OR," ACS President Wilbur Rong, MD, told GomerBlog.

"It's clear that rebreathing exhaled carbon dioxide due to mask wear is the cause," he continued. "We never realized it was a problem until COVID-19 experts from Facebook University pointed out the dangers."

"When I saw a Facebook post by a high school dropout from my home town educating me on the risks of mask wear, I immediately feared the worst," added ACS spokesperson Leslie Van Dijk. "Sure enough, once surgeons read about these risks in unsourced memes on social media, they started feeling the impact."

After seeing surgeons drop dead by the hundreds daily from "carbon dioxide poisoning" as warned by social media-based medical experts, the ACS knew it was time to do something. Similar numbers of mask-related deaths were reported in other mask-wearing specialties since the awakening.

Nurses, however, seem somehow immune to the effects of wearing masks. RNs across the country have been able to soldier on without dying while wearing masks, an addition to their already impressive skill set that included ignoring their bladders for entire shifts.